December 13, 2005
The young silly
The young silly calls me in a panic
I'm going to fail, she wails,
I revel in the idea of her having to, for once, find self-love in the face of academic disappointment.
She attempts to preserve her prestine academic pedestal by covering it with BS
oh how funny she is...
I'm going to fail, she wails,
I revel in the idea of her having to, for once, find self-love in the face of academic disappointment.
She attempts to preserve her prestine academic pedestal by covering it with BS
oh how funny she is...
December 8, 2005
October 10, 2005
August 24, 2005
the irish personals
Actual "Personal" ads in > the Dublin News: > > >
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork Area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested > in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and> has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the> morning. > ------------------------------------------------------ > Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime > fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists> in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. > ------------------------------------------------------ > Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty > after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe> more. > --------------- --------------------------------------- > Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in > the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a> lovely chest. > ------------------------------------------------------ > Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi > for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. > ------------------------------------------------------ > Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed > supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin > sister > >
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork Area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested > in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and> has been known to start fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the> morning. > ------------------------------------------------------ > Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime > fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists> in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. > ------------------------------------------------------ > Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty > after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe> more. > --------------- --------------------------------------- > Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in > the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a> lovely chest. > ------------------------------------------------------ > Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi > for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. > ------------------------------------------------------ > Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed > supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin > sister > >
August 17, 2005
sweet Nicky
why am I doing this she asks...
no 'e' in asks she tells me.
Being corrected by this little woman who weighs less than most... sparrows
"not true a$$hole" she says.
Stop writing everything I say,... she says
She must live in the US for a grand total of 4 months!
WILL SHE SURVIVE???!!!!
we fear not.
then she will move to Rome where she will meet one of my ancestry and break his heart.
All of Italy weeps.
She will then live with a Britishman in the South of France and make illegitimate babies with lots of curls and write and write and write and write. and get a divorce (whoops, can't have illegitimate babies if you're married now can you -- there will have to be a boyfriend) and live happily ever after.
She whispers spelling corrections in my ear.
bitch.
no 'e' in asks she tells me.
Being corrected by this little woman who weighs less than most... sparrows
"not true a$$hole" she says.
Stop writing everything I say,... she says
She must live in the US for a grand total of 4 months!
WILL SHE SURVIVE???!!!!
we fear not.
then she will move to Rome where she will meet one of my ancestry and break his heart.
All of Italy weeps.
She will then live with a Britishman in the South of France and make illegitimate babies with lots of curls and write and write and write and write. and get a divorce (whoops, can't have illegitimate babies if you're married now can you -- there will have to be a boyfriend) and live happily ever after.
She whispers spelling corrections in my ear.
bitch.
May 27, 2005
always amazing what your mother sends you
Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.........
> by David Letterman
>
>
>
> 10. The cucumber has left the salad.
>
>
>
> 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
>
>
>
> 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
>position.
>
>
>
> 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
>
>
>
> 6. Elvis is leaving the building.
>
>
>
> 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
>
>
>
> 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
>
>
>
> 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
>
>
>
> 2. Men may be from Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with
>Venus.
>
>
>
> And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
>
>
>
> 1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
>
>
> by David Letterman
>
>
>
> 10. The cucumber has left the salad.
>
>
>
> 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
>
>
>
> 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
>position.
>
>
>
> 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
>
>
>
> 6. Elvis is leaving the building.
>
>
>
> 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
>
>
>
> 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
>
>
>
> 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
>
>
>
> 2. Men may be from Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with
>Venus.
>
>
>
> And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
>
>
>
> 1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
>
>
May 18, 2005
sandy denny
My friend i know you've suffered,
Although you are still young.
Why was it you who'd not take help
From anyone?
Oh it's true, it's very true, he said,
Some hard times i have known,
But i have always overcome them
On my own.
Oh the pearls that you hold in your hand
They are beautiful to see,
But you show them not to anyone,
Not even me.
For you are like the others, he said.
I never can be sure
That you wish just to see the pearls
And nothing more.
Why can you not see reason?
Our lives they are not long.
Why can you take no time
To tell us all we're wrong?
My tune it does not change, he said,
And neither does your song,
And words i use them rarely
When i'm all alone.
Although you are still young.
Why was it you who'd not take help
From anyone?
Oh it's true, it's very true, he said,
Some hard times i have known,
But i have always overcome them
On my own.
Oh the pearls that you hold in your hand
They are beautiful to see,
But you show them not to anyone,
Not even me.
For you are like the others, he said.
I never can be sure
That you wish just to see the pearls
And nothing more.
Why can you not see reason?
Our lives they are not long.
Why can you take no time
To tell us all we're wrong?
My tune it does not change, he said,
And neither does your song,
And words i use them rarely
When i'm all alone.
April 27, 2005
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who
Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder
Where those years have gone)
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who
Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder
Where those years have gone)
April 16, 2005
Just Looking for Trouble
I once had a student
Who would sit alone in his house at night
Shivering with worries
and fears,
And, come morning,
He would often look as though
He had been raped
By a ghost
Then one day my pity
Crafted for him a knife
From my own divine sword.
Since then,
I have become very proud
Of this student.
For now, come night,
Not only has he lost his fear,
Now he goes out
Just looking for
Trouble.
The Mule Got Drunk and Lost in Heaven
Few things are stronger than/ the mind's need for diverse/ Experience...
There is a kind of adultery/ that God encourages: your spirit needs to leave the bed/ Of fear.
Hafiz
There is a kind of adultery/ that God encourages: your spirit needs to leave the bed/ Of fear.
Hafiz
April 7, 2005
March 12, 2005
February 19, 2005
from my friend D, from Falkirk
Declaration of Revocation by John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. >From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. >From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
February 16, 2005
figuring out photos
now we're in trouble. Gg found a way to waste time while on hold and doing laundry...
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